Reviews of the movies that are playing at the Theater down the street from my apartment

Ok anyone who has read any of my blogs knows that this is a staple. So that would mean that I know it's a staple and the rest of you have never seen this before. Assuming that there is a rest of you and I'm not just making up readers in my head like some sort of lunatic.

Anyway I like to review all of the movies playing at the theater down the street from my house. Please keep in mind that I have not actually seen any of these movies. But you go see them and tell me that the reviews are not dead fucking on. Here goes.

Big Momma's House 2

Thank the fucking god's of cinema, the sequel has arrived. The funniest movie in the history of mankind now has a part 2. Wait did I type that? What I meant to say is, who the fuck greenlit this pile o' crap? Now in fairness to Martin Lawrence, I did not see Big Momma's House 1 so it may be the funniest movie in the history of mankind. I'm just thinking that it may not be based on the fact that it looks, oh what's the best way to put it, I know God Fucking Awful. Wait let me guess, I think there might be a scene in the sequel where some how Martin Lawrence, in full Big Momma regalia, somehow winds up in a situation where he sees a really hot girl in little or no clothing and the laughs will flow like the blood from a freshly decapitated prostitute. Wasn't this movie called Mrs. Doubtfire once upon a time?

Curious George

Now what could possibly be wrong with this movie? We all grew up with this little monkey and the man in the big yellow hat so this should be good right? Well dear reader, you're forgetting one little detail. You see Hollywood has a way of taking things that you hold a dear sentimental attachment to and treating them like so many 14 year olds backstage at an R. Kelly show. I'm sure that this film will hold none of the warmth that the books did. Plus I always thought a grown man in a crazy yellow getup that ran around with a monkey was a little wheels off anyway. He always had a certain Elton John quality to him if you ask me.

Final Destination 3

Hey look another sequel. I would really like the Hollywood types to understand one thing, sequels never need to be made. Ever. So fucking cut it out already. I'll admit, I really enjoyed the first Final Destination movie. I thought the death scenes were very creative and well planned. Then I saw the second one, and I thought well this isn't so bad. You know comparatively, like if my options were seeing this movie or being slowly disembowel by grizzly bears. You see the in the second one they just remade the first one but with a car wreck instead of a plane crash. Oh and also without any of the creativity. I suppose that formula was so successful that now they're pushing a III'rd one. Give me fucking break. Now it's a roller coaster accident. I thought about writing a FD4 script and submitting it. In my film a movie fan would finally be so sick and tired of the shit coming out of Hollywood that they march right into a studio and summarily execute everyone in the building. Halfway through writing it I remembered that in order to make a Final Destination movie work some people have to survive and there's no way I'm letting my hero leave his slaughter with survivors so I quit writing it.

Freedomland

This movie stars Samuel L. Jackson so already you know I'm thinking one thing. That one thing is, man this movie is going to suck ass. Sam Jackson has been in exactly 2 good movies. Pulp Fiction and Goodfellas. And he was barely in Goodfellas for fuck sake. Stop being duped by this guy. He's not cool, he's not hip, and he's a shitty actor. The movie also has Julianne Moore in it who I still think is hot. About a decade ago she had a nudity clause in her contract I think because every movie she was in she was showing off her funbags. I kind of doubt that she will pull such foolishness now but I wouldn't mind if she did. Anyway this is a movie about a lady who's kid turns up missing and Sam Jackson is some sort of detective who has to help find him. The movie supposedly has a twist ending that you will not believe. What do you want to bet the twist ending is that the lady kidnapped the kid herself? Hope that wasn't a spoiler alert but if it is you can't blame me. How would I know it's a spoiler if I haven't seen the movie? Anyway this movie sucks so don't watch it. And boycott Sam Jackson.

The Matador

First things first, this movie was directed by Richard Shepard. I wasn't real familiar with his work so I went to IMDB to see what else he's done. Here is my favorite entry in the Richard Shepard filmography.
Inside Out (1992) (V) (episode "My Better Half") ... aka Inside Out: Tales of the Unexpected (USA: soft porn version) Way to go Pierce Brosnon, you're in a movie directed by a guy who has made soft porn. It's right there on the fucking resume for Christ sake. Did you not have your agent look into this? I guess you take what you can get when you're no longer James Bond huh? There are a few reasons that this movie will not be funny. Reason #1 is that Pierce Brosnan is in it and he's not funny. Reason #2 is that Greg Kinnear is in it and he is an unfunny fucking douchebag. In the annals of Hollywood there are few people who have a special location in the dark horrifying crawlspace of my brain the way this fuckass does. Who gave this shithead a career in the first place. I saw a little thing in the trailer for this movie where Pierce " I was the shittiest Bond ever" Brosnan was walking around in a hotel lobby in his underwear and cowboy boots or some such foot accoutrements and I thought, man my friends would have thought that was hilarious when we were in 6th grade. Note that I only stated my friends would have thought this hilarious and did not include myself in this nonsense. Even back then I would have thought this too be childish and unfunny.

The New World

I'm tempted to recommend this movie purely on the basis that Christian Bale is in it and Christian Bale is bad fucking ass. If you disagree with that assertion you should watch The Machinist and then we'll see who shuts their God Damn mouth. I cannot, however, in good conscience do that for the following reasons.
1. Period movies suck ass.

2. Colin Farrell is in it and I hate him like toxic death.

3. It's rated PG-13 and movies rated PG-13 are incredibly bad.

4. It was directed by Terence Malick who gets rave reviews from the Hollywood elite in spite of the fact that he has never done anything. Don't believe me, here are some of the career highlights straight from IMDB.
First off he acts like a little fucking Diva as exemplified by this little nugget of information. In his contract for directing "The Thin Red Line" he stated that no current pictures of him could be published or shown anywhere. What a little bitch.
Here's another reason to dislike him. He taught in France from 1979-1994.
Wrote a treatment for Dirty Harry (1971) but none of his work appears in the final version.That's right, he wasn't even good enough to write Dirty Harry. Now don't get me wrong, I like that movie, but I don't think it has ever been lauded for it's brilliant story.
Turned down an offer to direct "The Elephant Man." I'm glad about this because that meant the great David Lynch got to put his stamp on that film.
This film also features Yorick van Wageningen who in spite of having an incredibly wonderful name, was in The Chronicles of Riddick. It is my assertion that anyone who was in that movie should be executed. Then I saw that he was supposed to be in Minority Report, another ballsuck film, but didn't get to play the role because he was too fucking lazy to get a work permit.

When a Stranger Calls

I love horror movies. I love them so much that a remake like this just makes me want to cry. I believe I mentioned that you cannot make a good PG-13 movie, this goes triple for horror movies.This particular remake that never should have happened is directed by Simon West who is responsible for the following films. Con Air, one of Steve Buscemi's unfortunate career lowlights, The General's Daughter which stars John Travolta and is not called Pulp Fiction so therefore it is atrocious, Lara Croft: Tomb Raider which only appeals to fan boys in the first place and a couple of things that mercifully slipped under my radar and therefore I do not have to be angry that they were ever made. His next film is called RPM which I can guarantee you is on that special plane of terribleness that only movies about racing can dwell in.

Capote

I have not seen this movie but I will. Phillip Seymour Hoffman is a master. This is one of the greatest actors of all time and I wish more people would realize that. Of course look at the top 10 movie list and you'll understand why people don't know that. People are retarded and they go see When a Stranger Calls instead of Capote. I have been fascinated with Capote ever since I saw the film version of In Cold Blood for the first time. And I do mean the original and not the shitty remake with Eric Roberts. If you only go see one movie in theaters now do yourself and all of the moviegoing public a favor and make it Capote. You see let me enlighten you about a Hollywood secret. They only care if movies make money. Whether a movie is good or not makes no difference whatsoever. This is why they made Big Momma's House 2. Idiots went to see Big Momma's House and it made a ton of cash so they made a sequel. The problem is that good movies like Capote don't make any money so they rarely get made. If we would stop going to shitty movies and only see films like this one, more good films would get made. So get off your ass and go watch a good movie for a change.

Eight Below

The tagline for this movie is, "The Most Amazing Story Of Survival, Friendship, And Adventure Ever Told." Well that's pretty fucking cocky if you ask me. Some explorers get stranded and have to leave their team of sled dogs behind to fend for themselves or some shit. I'd like to call bullshit on this. First off if I was in the Antarctic and I had a team of sled dogs I would never leave them behind because a) dogs are a good source of warmth and b) dogs are a good source of food. Of course there's also the fact that in the grand scheme of things 8 below is not all that cold. I mean it's certainly not comfortable but it's survivable. I'd like to think that it gets considerably colder than that in Antartica.

Firewall

I remember when Harrison Ford was the #1 BMF on the planet. Oh how times have changed. In this movie he designs a security system for some sort of financial institution and then robbers hold his family hostage until he bypasses the system and gets all of the money for them. It took me about 20 minutes to type up that little synopsis because I kept dozing off just reading it. Does it not seem like you've seen this movie in some form about a million times? It's also rated PG-13 and by now you should all know how I feel about that.

Good Night and Good Luck

You know usually when I look to see what movies are playing at the theater down the street from my apartment I cannot even find one that is worth watching. If I were to go to the movies today I would have to pick either this film or Capote. What are the fucking odds that there will be 2 movies worth seeing in the theater at the same time. I'm going to go ahead and confess something, I like George Clooney. There I said it. I think he's a good actor. I would really like to see this film do well in the box office for the same reasons that I mentioned in the Capote review. We need movies like this. Please go see this as well. I'm begging you. I can't take a Final Destination 4.

Munich

In spite of the Oscar buzz around this movie I will not go to see it because it sucks. "How the fuck do you know it sucks", you may ask. Simple. Steven Spielberg. This hack hasn't made a good movie in exactly 25 years. (Raiders of the Lost Ark 1981) I have no idea why everyone thinks he is so great but they do. Stay away from this movie. If we quit watching Spielberg films then maybe he'll quit making them.

The Pink Panther

You have got to be fucking kidding me. Steve Martin doesn't deserve to lick Peter Sellers dead taint sweat. What the fuck happened to that guy. He used to be funny. The Jerk, Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid, The Man With 2 Brains. Now he just makes shit movies. All this does is beg the question, who makes a worse Inspector Clouseau Steve Martin or Roberto Begnini? Unfortunately I think this is the #1 movie in America right now. Why couldn't you cocksuckers have gone to see Capote instead?

Initial Post

Ok here's the deal. Every few months or so I decide to create a new blog. I will be real serious about the blog for about a week and then I just kind of forget about it. Then every 6 weeks or so I'll post an update apologizing for the lack of activity and telling all of my adoring fans that I will be posting furiously over the next few days to make it up to them. Typically this is the last post that I will put on said blog. So I'm going to try it again. Here is the new blog. I hope you all enjoy it.

I don't know why I say you all as the only person who has ever read any of my blogs has been me. I was just joking about the adoring fans you see.